Sunday, May 18, 2008

To The Proponent for Responsible Parenting

Here is what you said, "I can't believe you're so angry at the bank. They are a business and businesses exist to make money. People are responsible for their own actions. No one held a gun to your son's head and forced him to get a third card. He needs to take responsibility for himself and you should be responsible for teaching him how to manage his finances. My mother taught me to never spend money I don't have and to pay any credit card bills right away. I have never had a bit of credit card debt. No one is tricking your son, he's just making foolish decisions. The two of you should stop blaming others for your mistakes."
Did you read my post? Responsibility and accountability seem to be very important to you. In that way we are much alike. It's interesting to me that you remained anonymous. I guess blogger gives you the option to hide and not take responsibility for your statements. Interesting also that you assume that we are not good parents and didn't teach our son about financial responsibility and that we and he are not taking responsibility for the bad decisions he has made.
I think it's wonderful that you are managing your money well. My hope is that if you have children, that they learn every lesson you teach them and never make a mistake or a bad decision. You are correct, businesses are there to make money. For me, however, there is more involved in running a business than simply profit.
It's interesting to me how Stephanie acknowledged the hurt I'm feeling and also made a suggestion to help us work through this situation. I admire her perceptiveness and her willingness to help another person even though she doesn't even know me. What a wonderful lesson her parents taught her.
I apologize to my regular blog readers. I debated whether to delete this comment, ignore it, or respond. Parenting is a difficult job. Children are human beings with minds of their own and we do our best on a daily basis to model and teach so that our children will be good men and women. I know also that there are many good, responsible parents who are dealing with many issues with their children. It's stressful and difficult and folks who chastise and blame only make our jobs harder.

23 comments:

QuiltedSimple said...

Well said Jacquie!!! I think that CC companies are trying to stay afloat, and they aren't interested in helping out the people who need the help to get back on track. I think you are doing right by your son, and together the 3 of you will work towards a solution. As far as credit counseling goes, I've never seen it actually help anyone, usuaully just puts them more into debt with another payment they can't afford. Good luck!!!

Kris

Sara said...

You Go Girl!!

I think you said it all, and I would look into credit card consolidation, I admit it helped us. We used cards a LOT when we first built our house, then I lost my teaching job, it seemed like it was one thing after another. Now we have 4 more payments and over 30,000. in debt will be GONE!! Its taken a few years, but we did it! We only have about 2500 left to pay!They base it on how much you are in debt and how much you make. You may have to co-sign or something but I would still look into it!

Amber said...

I thought the way you wrote about your son was wonderful. You obviously felt bad for him but at the same time were allowing him to be the adult and take responsibility for his overspending.
I thought you were being a VERY responsible and loving parent in everything you did and wrote. Hope you don't let one negative comment get you down!!
And I totally agree about the cc companies- they are just sharks waiting for their next victim.

Darcie said...

Good for you for speaking out. It is your blog...and you should feel free to do and speak as you please. One should remember that one always has the option to "not comment" or delete or whatever.

I read your previous post earlier this morning...but didn't take the time to comment. With the first few lines of reading...the word "prey" popped into my head. I thought it was interesting that you used that term as well.

Although saddened by that "school of hard knocks" that we all seem to have to enter and learn from...no matter what age, and believe me, I still find myself learning lots...I found it refreshing that you, Jacquie, and your son are working this out together. So many are left to figure this out for themselves...and problems only multiply. It doesn't only happen to kids...we are an over-credited society, I feel. But that's just my opinion.

Tell him to hang in there! And rock on! ;-)

Hugs...from a mom whose son gets many credit aps in the mail...daily.

driftwood said...

I think that it was really brave of you to share your family issues, and it's a real shame that someone took advantage of your honestly to criticise you.

Penny said...

Well, the part that I really didn't like was that it was anonymous and the title was sort of heavy handed. Having a frank, respectful discussion is fine but that was really more of an ambush.

Of COURSE teens and their families have to be responsible with the use of credit cards. However, I recall how frustrated I was when my kids went off to college because they thought that if the banks would give them a card, that meant they had the maturity to handle it.

I think if you were simply placing the blame on the credit card company for causing the trouble, I would probably be thinking that you were not doing your job as a parent. However, that is NOT what you were doing. You clearly are trying to teach responsible financial habits and were simply expressing frustration that the CC company was sabataging your efforts. You weren't excusing your son, it sounded like, to me. You felt like the CC company was preying on him. That you were madder at the CC company than your son begs the question but I suspect that is just how you were feeling at the time you were writing. Am I correct? The CC company was your current fire to put out. I am sure you were none too pleased with junior, either!

The only thing I might have done differently is to have HIM call the CC company if something needed to be said. A lot of young men are more than willing to let moms and girlfriends, later wives, do their fighting for them. It might have made you feel better but it could encourage him to assume that mom will run interference when he gets into a jam. If it were me, I might have called them but I don't think I would have let him know that I did. Just my two cents. And it is easy to think that is what I would do at this point when I am not the one in the middle of the situation.

I've had a child with problems with money. If it makes you feel better, after nearly two years of not having a good night's sleep from worry, she is the one making nearly as much money than her other two siblings, combined - and has paid off the bills she foolishly ran up. This, too, shall pass.

amandajean said...

I'm glad that you responded to the comment from the advocate for responsible parenting. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to watch your son going through this situation.

Freda's Hive said...

I'm sorry you have a negative reader Jacquie. I had a bad comment on my blog the other day too. I had to delete it. It was very unkind. If someone doesn't agree with you or like your blog its much more polite to move on than leave a comment. Its your blog.

I'm running into problems with one of my children and I've raised them all the same. They have free choice and at 18 or 19 some of them choose the option that will give them the hard knocks. I'm far from a perfect parent but it hurts when one of them is in trouble no matter what it is or if it is from their own choosing. My heart goes out to you.

Indigo Blue said...

hi Jacquie,
Well, I was stunned to read your post and the reason why. If the coward you wanted to air unpleasant comments like that there are more appropriate sites that attract that kind of under tone. Better not say which in case I get into bother. It does astonish me that people behave like this on the internet and on a site for crafters for goodness sake. I joined blogger to share ideas, learn etc not to be critised. To hear that another person here has also had a nasty comment is rather worrying. Responding was brave as I perhaps would have been too cross etc to even type prperly/ Here in the UK cradit companies and the banks are coming under increased scrutiny on how they attract the younger customer etc. Here to method of unsolicitated mail from cradit card companies which you have not asked for is being challenged as is cold calling from cc companies. You can ctually block these calls by contacting another body of people. Does not always work but I have not had an unwanted phone call for nearly a year. I hope everything sorts itself out for the three of you. problems like this can happen to any of us and we should all remember that.
Keeping my fingers crossed for you!
LOL
XX

Indigo Blue said...

Sorry about my spelling I can spell 'credit card', look, but my fingers want to hit different keys on the board!

Joanna said...

You know, I completely agree with you about banks and businesses.

My hubby's elderly father is blind and almost deaf, and an organ company (quite near you, Nanette if you are reading!) has sold him, THREE times over organs that he cannot play or afford. We are talking tens of thousands of dollars here. Probably closer to 100K. Enough that their almost paid-off house had to be refinanced to pay for the things. They tell him that he DESERVES to buy them since he has worked so hard. They tell him that he is a wonderful player. He can't play Mary Had A Little Lamb with one finger.

So the thing is, it is right that the person involved should just say no, but it is also right that the business or bank should have some sort of morals and do the right darn thing. It is taking complete advantage of your son's youth, and my FIL's disabilities.

So good on you for taking them to task over it. I sincerely wish you luck with it all.

Regi said...

Kudos to you.

You handled the anonymous commentor with a lot of class. I am not sure I would have been as pleasant. *smiles*

Amy said...

All these commenters are right. I don't need to add anything more, except this profound statement, which is "Poo, on anonymous."

Nikki Schreiner said...

I find it funny that before we have kids, we say things like, "I'll never allow MY kid to..." You can't control a kid anymore than an adult and we all have things that are harder for us to learn than they are for others. Great response Jacquie.

Exuberant Color said...

You are so right when you said parenting is a difficut job. We try to instill good morals and encourage common sense, but we can't control their thoughts once they grow up. An open line of communication with him is so important now so you can reinforce all of the good things you have taught him.

Leanne said...

Well done Jaquie I'm with the above. I wonder how this person found your blog. It's very brave to be anonymous.

Rose said...

I too thought the anonymous posting was quite heavy handed...and that she had not read your post at all. And I would like to see just how perfect her kids are in real life...I bet if she thinks they are perfect that she just doesn't really know her own kids.

Even thou my kids have not gotten in trouble with credit card companies, and are very responsible job wise, they have sure made a few other bad decisions that are not mine to tell. I think it is a part of growing up. And I have made some as well. Mine when I was not so young...

I still feel like the credit card companies get what they deserve...I sometimes believe they put out all this crap just hoping that if you don't take the bait that someone else will steal your identity.

I have used the same major credit card for all my purchases since I got it, I have yet to use one of their checks they send me, yet I get them almost every month that I have a bill, and oftentimes when I don't. I always wonder if I did not shred them but threw them in the trash, just how easy would it be for someone else to forge one. They have my name on them and everything.

Anyway, I think you have handled this with grace. And you have my support as well as a lot of others it looks like.

purple and paisley said...

my oldest son got into the same sort of trouble...when he turned 18, credit card offers started coming in the mail to him...without my knowledge, he accepted several of them and then, of course, couldn't make the payments...

but even scarier? he chose to join a credit counseling service (ameristar) that was supposed to help people pay off their credit card debts...ameristar supposedly would get in touch with your credit card people and make some kind of deal with them as far as paying them off...you were supposed to send a lump sum to ameristar and then ameristar would divide it up among the different credit cards...

well, guess what? ameristar was a scam...it was in the news several years ago...they were keeping people's lump sum payments...so my son's credit card balances kept going up and up...even though he wasn't using them anymore, he was charged a $39.00 late fee each month...

it was an absolute nightmare that was finally resolved but it was horrible...

you can be the most perfect parent in the whole wide world and you know what? your kids are still going to make mistakes and you are still going to make mistakes...it's called life...=)

good luck with all of this...i know what you're going through...

BusybeeDebQuilts said...

Jacquie - sorry to hear about the troubles. I think you're doing a great job at helping your son thru all of this. As someone who's been there, I know that the temptation of what looks like easy money is huge!

I agree with everyone else that the person who posted the feedback was cowardly not to leave their name, etc.

Yes, the banks ARE irresponsible in giving credit cards to 18 year olds! 18 years old is still a child ... in most cases, they just don't have the life experience or the common sense to understand what the consequences on getting into debt is.

I think your opinion was very well stated.

Deb

Dawn said...

Having been in the classroom many years, I still find parenting one of the hardest jobs my husband and I have ever had to do. (Ha! Even harder than trying to figure out that dang geometry when quilting blocks....*grin*)

But, Jacquie, it's just like the title of your blog--Tallgrass. The wind may blow, but you and your husband remain tall. Especially when it comes to the raising of your children--don't let those anonymous comments break you.

You're doing a terrific job in parenting and in quilting.

audreypawdrey said...

I am sorry that you had to deal with that. I agree that if you are going to post something that is negative, you should at least own up to it by leaving your name. I remember being offered credit cards during the first week of my college years without any type of credit check with a free tshirt as incentive. These companies do prey on the youth because they know that they may not be the most responsible people yet just due to maturity. My parents raised me to not spend more than I have but I took those offers and later regretted it. I now have no credit card debt but at 18 it seems like it will be easy to pay off and it isn't when you are a poor college student!
I enjoy your blog very much, so please don't let negative people dissuade you from sharing.

Marie' said...

I am sorry about the pain you are going through. I only have little ones, but it is already hard to make them suffer the consequences when they make bad choices.

I love your quilts and can't wait to see more.

Julie said...

Hi Jacquie. I missed a few days and am just catching up. I don't have any original sentiments to add. I am very happy to see you are getting support from your community. I support you too. I have 2 sons almost 15 and your son's experience will be our dinner topic tonight. We will try to talk as you have done (and are doing) and just keep trying. We love our kids but we can't control them. Even if we try. My dad likes to say "push them with a rope."